To my awesome followers,
Thank you for all your support. I know I have been quiet for a couple months, but I believe that is how it goes with writing. Especially when what you are writing about is deep in your soul.
Some of you know that Craig reached out and called me on my cell phone for the first time in November. I was very surprised that he had found, or remembered my number, and when I answered the call I didn't know it was him. He has been calling me once a week since that first time. That is about the time I stopped writing, because I felt like I was "betraying" him in some sense. He also reached out to 3 of the boys. He knows Wil has nothing to say to him, so he hasn't called him, although he thinks about him and asks me about him. Craig calls Doug, Rocco and Rich too, but not quite as often as he calls me. He makes peanuts for an income and can barely afford to call me, so he will ask me for updates on the boys when he calls me. In fact, I'm anticipating his call right now. He usually calls on Sunday evenings. Last Sunday I was at my nephews sons first birthday party and missed his call.
Why am I telling you all of this? I'll tell you why! My hair stylist told me to. Who do we confess to the most? Who do we tell all our inner most feelings and thoughts to? Our hair stylist!! I have been going to Alysha for over ten years, In fact, it's been closer to fifteen. She knows my whole life story and I went to see her again last week. It was a quiet night, just the two of us in the salon, and I told her about the calls from Craig and how I had stopped writing. She said to me, "Eve, you need to be writing, more now than ever before". I confessed to her that I was actually terrified that Craig would find out about my blog and get really upset with me. Her response was "...you are still AFRAID of him!" I sat there in silence, with the blow dryer machine setting my color and thought long and hard about it. I figured she was right. I told her that I had lied to Craig when he asked if I'm writing a public blog. His question came from a conversation I had had with him, of which I will go into detail later. I lied and told him I was writing, but that it wasn't public....and at that very moment I was signing into my blog page and switching it from public to private, to turn my lie into truth. All to make my lie less of a lie. I realized then that I am still afraid of his reactions and allowing him to control me.
I did get a lot of messages from my awesome followers, from all over the world, asking why...
30 minutes later.....Craig just called as expected.
Back to what I was saying...I was getting messages through my Facebook and Patreon page from women all over the world asking why they couldn't access my blog anymore. I currently have over 46,000 views of my blog and 591 in the last month. Every day I get new views. How could I let all these people down? And has my path ended? Obviously not. I need to continue writing about my journey as it is unfolding.
Another thing Alysha suggested is that not only should I admit to Craig I am writing a public blog, but to ask him to send me HIS story. His version of what happened. On the phone call tonight he told me about his next appeal that he is preparing, and mentioned how he has been reading all the police reports I had filed, and how I thought he was going to kill me. He said it with a bit of a mocking tone, like I had exaggerated my fears. I told him I was terrified of him, and everything I did was to protect myself. I then turned the conversation back to what we were originally talking about, because I didn't want to have that discussion with him in the last ten minutes of the call.
About 3 weeks ago he called to apologize for hurting me so much. He was crying and said he really regrets everything that happened between us that caused the end of our marriage. I told him I had found a lot of audio tapes of our fighting and they are very difficult to listen to. He was silent for a while. I think he had either forgotten about the tapes, or thought they had been thrown out with the rest of his stuff in the house. I told him the affairs he insisted on having is what took it's toll on me and after battling him for years I put a solid wall around my heart so that he couldn't hurt me anymore, but at the same time no more emotion or love came out either. Those brick walls we build around our hearts do protect us from being hurt, but they also prevent us from caring and loving. I had no other choice. To this day I am still breaking pieces off, and trying to open up to being vulnerable again. Not to Craig of course, but so that one day I can be ready to be in a relationship again.
I have so much more to write, about the path I'm taking to let go of the pain and hurt, and the forgiveness I need to feel in order to move on. The phone calls are all on my terms. He always calls from the same number so I can choose whether I want to answer or not. He can't force anything out of me that I don't want to say, and it's giving him a chance to connect with the people he still loves deeply (his boys). And that's another chapter all on it's own.
After having my blog on private for a few days, I asked a lot of people I care about, including the boys, what I should do. They all said to make it public again, it is my path, my truth and my journey and it has helped me start healing. It really is very healing to be able to get it all out. So it is public again, and the writing has picked up again. The words are flowing from me and it's hard to stop.
I will be honest to Craig and let him know I am writing a public blog, and when he gets over the shock of that I will ask him if he wants to write his own, and I will type it out and post it for him. He will probably ask me to send him copies of mine, which I will do (not all at once). Maybe it will help him to see what damage he caused and hopefully start to admit to what he did in the end. I mentioned to you his appeal he is working on, He has had many, and they all get thrown out because of his guilty admission. Since the day of his admission (November 2003) he immediately tried to reverse it and has been appealing ever since. He has not once admitted to me or the boys that he committed the crime. I am waiting for that. I want him to admit to what he did and show some remorse. I've watched him sit in prison for 14 years in total denial. He keeps telling the boys, and me sometimes, that he will be out in a month. He has been saying that for 14 years. At first I figured it was just something he needed to hold on to , to be able to survive and cope in prison. But for the last few years I have just wanted to hear him ADMIT to what he did, and to show some remorse. As long as he is living in denial, he is not asking for forgiveness for taking a mans life. I don't care if he says he did it because he was out of his mind at the time, extremely depressed and thought he would be able to escape the country with his children. I don't care if he blames it all on Tamara. I know she orchestrated the whole thing because she had been wanting to get rid of her husband for months, maybe years, before she met Craig. They just met at a time they were both at rock bottom in their lives and Craig was stupid enough to do what she told him to do. I am not making excuses for him by any means! I am saying I want Craig to stop denying what he did, and to finally come to terms with what he did. We all KNOW he did it and even if I just speak for myself, I would have a lot more respect for him if he would admit he did a terrible thing, rather than pretend he didn't. No one wants to be lied to.
It's late and I've been up since 4:30am so my eyes are telling me it's quitting time, There is lots to be said and I am looking forward to carrying on with my path. I appreciate each and every one of you for following along.
Good night my friends, stay safe and always listen to your gut!
