A note between posts

It's Friday night and I have been rehashing the 4th post and it's so disturbing that I can't go to bed. I will be posting the 2nd post tomorrow afternoon, but as I told you I am working ahead and it's really disturbing me. I will post a warning with the headline, but how do I go through this? I have an ache so deep inside of me I don't know what to do.
I am sorry you will get to read it, but I can't leave it out. It is for sure part of everything that happened, but please forgive me for writing it. I promise you the pain it caused me then, and today, is very real. I am sorry this happened at all.

I know you are all waiting for #2....it is coming tomorrow!

#1 About Me

#1
INTRODUCTION TO MY JOURNEY
Some of you out there know I have a story that could be a book, or an episode on Dateline. I have been told I need to write about my story to help other women in similar situations. The reason I have been quiet for 13 years is because my children deserved the privacy and opportunity to grow up in as normal of circumstances as possible. Now that they are all adults, they are encouraging me to write in order to help me move on. I have tried to ignore my past, I've tried to forget about it, but I constantly have a nagging in the back of my head to get it out. One title I thought of for a book would be IN THE WAY. It has a double meaning because a lot of what happened in the end was because apparently I was in the way (and therefor was almost removed from this world) and now because of what happened, the experience I went through is now in MY WAY of moving forward.

GOAL
My goal is to create awareness of hidden emotional and financial abuse. When you drive down the street you have no idea what is going on in your neighbor's house or even your own family's. When my husband was finally arrested and sentenced to prison my friends and family learned about what had been happening in our lives for a number of years. From the outside we looked like the perfect little family. Craig showed a ton of affection to me and the boys, and there was no way I was ever going to admit to anyone about the real truth. I was ashamed, humiliated and thought I could fix it so that no one would ever have to know. This is where I was SO WRONG.
Secondly, I want women to know we can get through ANYTHING. We are a very strong breed and until we give up, we are winning. I was extremely naive and if I had been a little more savvy maybe I could have recognized a lot of the red flags that were seriously right in my face. But this is why I mention below how I grew up. I honestly believe I couldn't see evil or manipulation if it hit me in the head. I didn't know it existed. By the way, South Africa only got television service in 1978 and for years it was only on a few hours a day. So I wasn't exposed to anything like what I faced in my marriage to Craig. So this is why I want to tell you what happened, how it happened, how I LET it happen, and in order of doing this I hope to be able to help someone else who might be going through what I did to see the light of day.

A LITTLE ABOUT ME
I was born in Johannesburg, South Africa, a long, long time ago. We lived a very good life because my Dad worked hard. I was raised with maids, cooks, pool boys, gardeners and even a chauffeur who took me to school. I will say that on most days I would have him drop me down the street from the school because I didn't want my friends to see me getting out of a shiny BMW with a driver in a hat at the wheel. His name was Lovemore but went by Lot. Lot was awesome though, as he would take me anywhere I needed to go, and picked me up when I had asked him to. Our maids cooked every meal (my Mom bought the groceries and gave them a menu) and they also got us up in the morning, polished our school shoes and had breakfast waiting for us when we arrived downstairs. Then Lot would take us to school. When dinner was ready in the evening we would hear the bell ring, and would quickly wash up and head down to the dinner table where we would see my Dad for the first time that day. My Mom was always so sweet and loving and as children we would eat dinner quietly, asking for someone to pass the salt and never getting up from the table until everyone was done eating and you had asked to be excused. Very proper indeed.
My Dad had 2 planes he used for business, and a fleet of Mercedes and BMW's so it was obvious there was no lack of money. The first car I learned to drive was a BMW and that is what I would use once I learned how to drive.
The reason I am telling you all of this is because my life growing up really was awesome. I have no memory of anything bad happening within our family and I always knew I was very loved by my parents. There was never any yelling or fighting (except with my brother and sister haha) and I was a very happy girl. My grandparents on my Moms side were divorced and both remarried and all 4 of them would come visit and were all great friends. We got to spend a lot of time with our family and there was no drama in my life.

HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART
 1983 (uh oh,,,,now you are figuring out my age)
I attended a private school for high school and this is where I got to know Craig. I knew his family from church, but Craig had never been much of a church goer so until high school I didn't really know him. As a 16 year old girl I was smitten by this man who seemed to be the epitome of what I envisioned a real man to be; strong, good looking, funny, kind, loving, good family. He was perfect in my eyes.We spent every break together and he obviously took a great liking to me as well. Once he graduated from Matric (12th grade) he went to serve his 2 years in the army which all young men in South Africa are required to do at the age of 18. I heard stories that he had joined the special forces and that part of his training was to endure torture and be trained to be a sniper. That was the last time I ever saw or heard from him in South Africa.

COMING UP....

In the next post I will talk about our move to America and how it affected me emotionally and how lost I felt for the first year. This is all part of my journey and I hope you are enjoying reading about it. The very difficult years are also very difficult to write about, so I am laying a foundation of trust between us all so that when I get to that part, I will feel safe, and you, the reader, will know me and where I am coming from.

Thank you for reading this!