# 29 PTSD

Last weekend I was moving a lot of my stuff from my Dad’s storage and I came across a bag of audio tapes. I had totally forgotten about all these other tapes. They all had dates written on them in Craig's handwriting. So I popped them into the tape player and tried to listen to them. After the second tape I was having a severe PTSD episode.

The first tape was recorded when Craig lost his temper with me for not bringing in enough money. It was a Sunday night and I was in my office and making calls to setup up my week. He came into my office and lost it, and started kicking my desk. He kicked it as hard as he could. 3 or 4 times, completely smashing it. I was sobbing so hard I could barely breathe. I don’t remember where the tape recorder was, but this is all on tape. I tried to explain to him that in that type of business you have to keep accepting rejection and be grateful to get one appointment out of ten phone calls. He wanted 100% success ratio. He didn’t understand how hard it was to call people on a Sunday night and get told no, over and over and over again. But I was doing what I had been coached to do. Successful millionaires were my coaches and I was following their lead to the T. But Craig figured he knew more, or better and was extremely critical of my work. That was a terrible fight.

Those of you who have followed my blog from the beginning, know that Craig ended up stealing some of my clients identities and ruined their lives, along with my business. I still don’t understand why he would have done such a terrible thing. He insisted on me working and bringing in half the income, but then he destroyed my business. On the tape I tell him that I do all the housework, laundry, cleaning and homework and take care of the children AND on top of that he wanted me to bring in half the income. He also had a big fear that if he made more money that I would go to lunch with my Mom and sister and spend all of his money. Sounds ridiculous, but he literally stated it a couple times on the tape. This fight was in about 1999. I told him clearly that I wanted a divorce. He made me feel so bad about myself. He destroyed my self esteem and on tape you hear him calling me stupid, thick, and ignorant a few times, along with some other horrible names. I think back and maybe the reason he destroyed my business was because I told him that night, a couple times, that I wanted a divorce and that I would rather take care of myself than have to live with him controlling my life and making me feel so bad about myself. So maybe he figured if he took my business away I wouldn’t be able to take care of myself.

On this particular tape you hear my little son, Rocco, come in to ask a question. He was waiting for me to take him to the store (as we had previously arranged). So you hear him come in and ask when we are going to the store.  My response was Daddy would take them in a few minutes (I had been crying too much and couldn’t go out like that). So Rocco asks “In a few minutes? How much?”  Then Craig says “Rocco go away”. Breaks my heart.

This is the part that hurts me so much about listening to these tapes! It is not so much what I went through, but what the boys went through. Craig had been such a loving father and husband, the boys adored him, and then something snapped and it all changed.

I am currently working on that audio to get it onto Patreon for my subscribers, so if you want to hear any of these tapes, please help me out with a small donation every month by subscribing to the Patreon.com/evespath website. Thank you!

I feel I could write a book on depression and grief, another on being married to a narcissistic psychopath, and another one about living alone while trying to go through the toughest struggles I've ever endured.

Tonights post is short. Others are long. I appreciate your support as always! We are up to 34,700 views but still need more likes, shares and FOLLOWERS.  I will keep writing and posting. Thank you for helping me share my story.

As always, keep love in your hearts and don’t let anyone ever tell you that you are less than they are. We are all children of God, and we all started out exactly the same way. No one has the right to beat you down and make you lose your self esteem. NO ONE! Not a parent, not a spouse, not a friend, not a child, and not a stranger. Stay strong!!! The world needs more strong people in it. Lots of love XOXOX

# 28 Coffee Trailer

THE COFFEE TRAILER

March 2003

I don’t have a lot of journal notes about this, but I do have some good memories. As you know, I had closed my coffee shop by now, but we were still running the coffee trailer we had built. It was fully outfitted with a 3 head espresso machine, grinders, fridge, freezer, clean water and dirty tank and had a big window to serve cars that drove up. Craig ran it up in Ogden across from the IRS and sales were very good. I was working real estate at the time and he wanted to run the trailer. But when his depression hit, he spent many days in bed and didn’t go up to run the business. I was concerned about it not being kept up and didn’t want things to go bad in it. I would go run it occasionally, but with Craig you never knew from one day to the next what his plans were, so it was hard to plan around him. Craig was also talking about leaving the country without notice and my attorney was worried that Craig would sell the trailer without my knowledge. That business was still entirely in my name and Craig was using my business credit card to purchase the products and keep it running, as well as whatever he felt like charging on that card, but he kept all of the money. I don’t know how he cashed the checks, but he took cash most of the time. I never saw a dime that he took in from it, but I was paying the bill. So my attorney advised me to get the trailer and lock it up until we could agree in the divorce how the assets and liabilities would be sorted.

This was a very scary move for me to take. Craig had taken the wheels off the trailer so that it couldn’t be stolen, but my best friends brother owned a trailer business so she arranged some wheels for me. We had to move this trailer without Craig catching us, as it would have created a terrible scene that none of us wanted to experience. I did own the trailer outright, but that would not have stopped Craig from raging if he discovered me taking it. It was his cash cow. We managed to get it out of there and another friend of mine had a warehouse that he let me put the trailer into. Whew.

But then, on March 13th 2003 I had an appointment with Shondell. I’ve mentioned before she worked out of her home. The room she did her counseling in looked out over the front area of her home. While I was in there with her, Craig arrived on his motorcycle and drove right up onto her front lawn, got off the bike as fast as he could and ran straight into her house. Her front door was unlocked as people waiting for their appointments could sit in her living room comfortably.

When we saw him arrive she quickly got up and grabbed her phone and by then Craig was in the consulting room with us and he YELLED at me. He was furious that I had “stolen” the coffee trailer. Thank heavens I was there and not somewhere else because I don’t know what he would have done to me. Shondell held onto her phone and talked calmly to Craig. She said we need to get our attorneys to sort out that stuff and stay away from each other. Then she told him this was my session and he needed to leave. He cussed, he pointed fingers in my face, he made some crazy threats, his eyes and face were on fire and Shondell  started to call 911. That made him leave. He got back onto his motorbike, rode it in circles on her lawn, tearing up her grass and then took off like a bat out of hell. Once he was gone we were both shaking and couldn’t believe what had just transpired. She told me that we are, by far, the worst case she has ever dealt with. She is worried about me and is very concerned Craig is going to do something destructive to our family. That was a Thursday.

I don’t think I heard from him the rest of the weekend because I have no notes.

Journal entry Monday March 17th, 2003

The kids went to Craig's house after school today. I picked them up at 8:30pm. Craig asked if he could come and tuck them into bed. I said no. He became angry and said I must tell the kids that I am prohibiting him from being with them. I told him as long as he is angry towards me, he is not welcome in my home. The fighting is not good for the boys to hear. I reminded him that Shondell had told us to stay away from each other. It is a lot more peaceful this way.

End of journal entry.

That’s it for today. I have an email from Craig’s first wife that I put up on Patreon, on the $10 level of subscriptions as promised. In this email she describes Craig to a T and obviously was better with identifying manipulation and personality disorder than I was.

Next we will be going into April and May of 2003 where things start to get more intense with Craig's behaviours.

So until then, THANK YOU for your support. Please like, share and subscribe and help me turn this into a podcast and be able to reach thousands more that way.

Please click on the FOLLOW button, as it’s important to show how many followers we have. My stats show I have over 34,000 pageviews on my blog, but the # of followers is just a lonely 7. I know there are a lot more following and you are getting it through your email, so I am asking you to please take a quick minute to go to my blog on www.evespath.com and LIke, Share and Subscribe. This would REALLY help me have a better idea of how many followers we have and how soon I will be able to turn this into a podcast that you can listen to (with my voice), and then once that happens my goal is to get a book opportunity, speaking assignments and spend the rest of MY LIFE fighting domestic violence.  I know there is a reason this whole episode happened in my life, my boys life and our whole family. I know I have to take everything I have learned and use it to help as many people as I can reach! We did not suffer through all of this in vain. I am going to turn it into a platform that will shine a light on perpetrators and give families, women and children enough knowledge that they will be able to get out safely before anything terrible happens to them.

Let’s do this TOGETHER! Let’s help those who are desperately needing help now!  I will never give up. The pain I felt and still feel is turning into strength, and I will not ever stop doing everything I possibly can to help those in need of help. I appreciate you all, please keep love in your hearts and don’t allow anyone to ever take that away from you.

Eve

#27 Thousands of dollars....

Recently I posted an audio, on my Patreon page, of Craig and Tamara discussing the “loan” that they were anticipating.  We now know that they had taken out life insurance on her ex husband, Mike, and Craig had managed to increase the policy he had on me, without my knowledge. This tape was recorded in Feb 2003.

Right before that audio cuts off, you hear Craig ask Tamara what she is doing. She replies in a vague way, saying she is going to the post office. She mentions her daughter is in the car, which explains why she is being vague. Craig asks about the post office, and she says to ship reports…..and you hear Craig ask….”to ship reports ..?…” but sounding like he doesn’t quite understand, and she doesn’t want to say any more because her daughter is in the car.

Now I could be completely off here, but in the duffel bag that I have carried around for the last 14 years, I found some checks and information that show Craig had opened up a trust account and was sending money to it. I also have a bunch of checks made out to Craig from a trust that he had created called Mellifera. I am still trying to figure out what that name meant….how he came up with it.  The checks were dated Feb 28, 2003. There are 2 checks for $5K each, and 3 checks for $10K each. So a total of $40K. From his trust account, paid to himself.

Then I found letters from the mortgage companies that he was in default for 2 mortgages. One for $309, 925.36 and the other for $28, 405.72. Those were dated March 18th, 2003

Then there is a check written out from Mellifera (Craig's trust) to Brown and Co.for $40, 000.00.  Exactly what he had paid himself from that company. There is a Wells Fargo transaction receipt for $40K. Then there is a parcel shipping notice that he shipped this parcel ($40K) to 1 Beacon Street in Boston, MA (Brown and Co.). I believe this Brown and Co are a day trading company, so he was sending in 40K to trade with….but all those checks and what not...I can’t figure that all out yet.

So when Tamara said she was going to ship at the post office, part of me feels she was in on this with Craig.

Now I’ll tell you more about the audio between him and I from Feb 2003.

I call him and ask him if I can Please speak to Richie. Craig attacks back and says why don’t I answer some questions for him. I reply back “Craig, I don’t want to fight with you, please can I just say Good Morning to Richie?” He just fights. I keep asking to speak to Richie, he just slams me with accusations. He yelled at me and told me I had killed him. (Interesting choice of words).

Going back over all of this now, I see how many times he uses the words “murder” “kill” “pull the trigger”, I didn’t notice it back then, but I had no clue that that was where his mind was.

So 6 minutes later I am still asking him to please put Richard on the phone. I asked him what happened between last night and this morning? I said we were perfectly nice to each other last night, and now today you just want to fight with me. I asked him if he had had bad dreams? He said he doesn’t know why I can stab him one day and the next day go visit him in hospital...and I cut him off and said I don’t know what you are talking about. What are you referring to? He said his deportation. He asked if I have apologized or acknowledged my responsibility in it?

I go back to asking if I can talk to Richie…..he just continues talking about how he is facing deportation on a daily basis.

After 9 minutes I hang up, frustrated. Then Craig talks into the tape recorder by himself. This I will put up for my subscribers. In this monologue he is talking to me and says we need to address the issue that I want to just be left alone. He says it’s “Craig, you must understand that you must leave me alone” He says there is no work and no effort. It’s just “Craig, I hate you, I’m going to kill you” (there he is using that word again).

Then we are back on the phone talking again. Sounds like it’s later in the day or another day. He says he has spoken to his attorney and he is going to go for joint legal custody of the boys.  It’s a quiet conversation, I listen to him, not saying much. I am sure I was thinking about the ramifications of him having joint legal custody once he is living in another country and how that would work. He says he was hoping the divorce wasn’t going to go through but now that he knows it is he is going to fight it. I told him I need the divorce to go through so that I can sell the WVC house. I told him I can’t afford to keep paying on it. He was not making any contribution to it and it was costing me $700 a month. I said if he would agree to let me list it and sell it, then there wouldn’t have to be a rush on the divorce. He said “well, now it’s going to take months. He said he is going to kick this around court until the cows come home.” I asked what the point of having an empty house was? It was just costing me money and was open to vandalism, why would he not agree to selling it? He said if I keep hitting, he has to keep dodging. I asked him to please agree to me selling it. He said he believes I have conscientiously destroyed him and now all he has to do is drag his heels and let me sleep in the nest I've built.

I just stay quiet and keep listening to him. He says he can hear my anger level rising because he is about to resist me more actively and that’s making me angry, because I’m not getting it my way. I said I just don’t understand why he wants me to go bankrupt when I have the boys to take care of.  He said he doesn’t understand why I want to destroy him, wanted him in jail, why I wanted him deported. He said I took “specific premeditated steps” (is that another word? Premeditated?? Who uses that term outside of discussing murder?)

Then he says lots of people cheat on their spouses without deportation, without imprisonment, without total financial destruction. Note: He just sent $40K to his trading account. He had no qualms about my financial destruction.

He brought up my conversation with Bruce. Once I had decided to close the coffee shop, I went and had dinner with Bruce to talk to him about getting some of the equipment sold to pay back part of the loan. Bruce told me he had written it off as a bad business deal. But then Bruce asked me some personal questions. He told me that Craig had told him I was going out late at night to bars and going home with men. Bruce was a good man (RIP) and he had strong morals and values. I don’t know why Craig told him I was doing that, but Craig had told the bishop and half the neighborhood as well. So I felt the need to defend myself. I told Bruce I would sometimes go out after work with my coworkers, but I never went home with other men.  I also told Bruce about the years that Craig had been cheating on me with Liz and the the others. Bruce was shocked. He had no idea. I told him that was one of the biggest reasons I couldn’t go back to him. All my trust and love had been shattered. After this conversation with Bruce, he called Craig and told him he would not be giving him any more money. He told Craig what I had told him. So of course, this is another thing Craig blamed me for. I took away Bruce's money. Craig felt no guilt or remorse for taking thousands and thousands of dollars from this good, good man, who had given us SO much over the years.

So then we go back to discussing the WVC house. I asked him again to please let me sell it. You hear him just takes deep breaths and then blames me for everything that is happening to us. I said we should be able to get at least $30K out of it, which would help both of us. He would have money to go to South Africa or wherever he is going. I asked “if you love me like you keep saying you do, then why do you want to do this to me?” That was a mistake, I should not have asked that. It made him mad. He said “OK, I just changed my mind, I don’t love you! Don’t use that idiocy on me, ok?” He continued “If you want to murder me (are we counting these?), destroy me, take my family away from me, and then you say “Craig, you say you love me, why don’t you help me?” I said I am not asking for help, I am just asking him to agree to us selling the house. Then he went on about smacking a child when it misbehaves…..

Then he is mad that I broke all his wires and tape recorders (that he had set up on my phone lines at the coffee shop) and then charged him with grand theft auto (he took my car so the police included that in the report) and assault, and slapped him with a protective order. I reminded him he put those recorders on my business line without my consent, then he chased me behind the building to get the tape, knocked me straight into the concrete wall and then took off with my car.

It just goes on and on.

There is still another 10 or 15 minutes to this conversation of which I am not going to type out. It just goes round and round in circles.

Was this a normal break up?? Him taking my clients identifications and using them to charge up thousands of dollars, taking money from Bruce every month, getting so paranoid about my every move that he set up cameras and tapes everywhere I went so that he could watch and hear me ALL the time. Is this a normal divorce?? Why is he blaming me for sending him to jail and pending deportation? He really blames me for everything and thinks I just want to destroy him.

That’s it for today! If anyone knows of a way I can turn this into a book, please let me know! Please share my story because I really do want to help women and people in dangerous relationships. All I need is time to write. Thank you to my sponsors, I REALLY appreciate you. Every bit helps!!

Until next week, Be safe and be careful.