This week I have been reading a book written by Anita Moorjani, titled Dying to be Me. It’s about a near death experience she had after 4 years of battling cancer and then falling into a coma. She describes what happened to her and it’s hard for me to put this book down because the describes the experience so beautifully. I know there are many NDE books out there and apparently they all have a very similar experience. What got to me is that she described the love and feeling of non judgment she felt. And how we are all ONE in the afterlife. We are all strings in a tapestry and are all part of one feeling. She talked a lot about how it was all “feelings” and thoughts and love.
The reason I brought this up, is after reading her book I feel that we need to be a lot less critical of ourselves and others around us. The more anger, hatred and condemnation you feel, the bigger your chance of causing yourself to get sick. I also feel forgiveness is very important. Which brings me to my story. Have I forgiven Craig yet? Some days yes, others no. If I wasn’t listening to our recorded fights and reading his emails, I may have forgotten a lot of what happened. But you can only forget to a certain level. A trauma, pain, hurt like that can bury itself in your subconscious and just because you don’t think about it everyday doesn’t mean it’s gone. What will happen, just like a physical injury, something will trigger it one day and it will all come back and feel 10 times worse. I know I need to dig deeper and get all of that out of me. I have met some really nice men who have taken me out once or twice and want to get to know me, but as soon as I feel them getting too close, I push them away until they’re gone. Do I want to spend the rest of my life alone? Absolutely not! I am hoping that by writing this out, listening to the arguments etc I am cracking the shell it has been hiding under. Like scar tissue, but harder.
This week I listened to one tape where Craig and I were talking quietly together and we are discussing our feelings etc. It was a nice conversation. Then the next day he calls me up and he is raging at me, yelling and emotional. I asked him what happened between last night when we were having a good conversation, and today? His reply was “a thought”. So he thought of something and it would switch his mood instantly.
So a few times this week I have wanted to write to Craig, and talk about what happened. My life coach says it’s ok to write it, but then burn it. She doesn’t think it’s good to give him the pleasure of knowing that it is still affecting me.
I have about 15 tapes and I have been listening to them, posted a couple up on Patreon, but I have noticed a pattern with the conversations. They are the same thing, over and over again. He keeps saying the same things and I keep saying the same things. It’s unbelievable. The good news is Wil has shown me how I can transfer these tapes into mp3 format myself, AND he gave me the program that allows me to cut and splice out the bits that I don’t want in there. This way I can keep names of people out, and I can also cut out the monotony of some of the fights. I will be working on getting another recording up for our $10 and higher supporters this week, thank you!
Back to June 2003
Thursday 06/19/03 Journal notes
Last night Richie spent the night at Craig’s, but tonight he called me and asked me to come and get him because he didn’t want to go boating with them tomorrow.
Side Note: From the time Rich was very little, he was very scared of being in the boat. He would huddle down by my feet under the dashboard. When we stopped, he would come out and enjoy being on the lake, but the speed of the boat scared him. When we stopped, the older 3 boys would jump overboard and swim and play and I think I mentioned this in an earlier post, but Craig would drive the boat in circles around them, creating waves, and they loved it. Except for Rich. He never wanted to do that, but he was still quite young. Like 4 and 5 years old. One day Craig told him he had to get in and Rich said he didn’t want to and so Craig grabbed the back of Richies life jacket and threw him into the lake, screaming. I will never forget that day. I was crying too so Craig got mad at me as well. So boating was not one of Richard's favorite things to do. And to this day, Rich is not fond of being in water, where my other boys love it. I truly believe we mold our children when they are young, so we need to be very careful about how we speak to them and treat them. We are their protectors, they need to be able to trust the people who brought them into this world.
Back to my journal…
So when Richie called me and asked me to pick him up, Craig said no. He said Rich is only scared because Craig told him he was going to learn to ski. Richie was crying, begging me to pick him up in the morning, but Craig was angry now at both of us and said no, he had to go and learn to ski. While I was talking to Richie, the phone cut out. When I called him back (this was around midnight) Craig answered. I asked him to let me speak to Richie, but he wouldn’t let me. He just wanted to fight. I told him I don’t want to fight, I just wanted to say goodnight to Rich. I felt sick that he was going to go to bed, crying and scared about the next day. For 45 minutes Craig fought with me on the phone and would not let me speak to Rich. Sometimes he swore at me so I hung up on him. He would call me right back. I was hoping it was Rich, so I would answer. It was just Craig fighting with me and telling me Richard has to learn how to ski. Eventually at 1:30am I hung up on Craig and turned my phone off. I needed some sleep and I knew Craig was not going to allow me to talk to Richard that night.
Friday 06/20/03
I picked Richie up in the evening after they got back from boating. He told me Craig did not make him ski. Then Craig called me and demanded an apology from me. I asked for what? He said because I assumed he would abuse Richie. I reminded him that the reason we fought all night was because he INSISTED that Richie learn to ski, no matter what. So then Craig changed his mind and now I must apologize?? Another big fight. He is so illogical it infuriates me!
I do have the above conversation on tape.
Later on I found out that Craig had also taken Tamara and her kids boating that day. He took them boating often. Which is one of the reasons the detectives had to search my boat once Craig and Tamara were both arrested.
Well that does it for today. Thank you again for following my story. Take care and tell your loved ones that you love them.
Eve
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