#7 Psychopathological Behaviour

#7

Craig fessed up to the driver's licence part to me after he was arrested for the theft by deception. I only found out about the social security cards when I found them in his filing cabinet after his final arrest, including some blank ones that he could type anyone's name on. Who would have thought there are places that actually do this??!! And how did the police, who had our house taped off and secured for 3 days to get evidence, miss these blank SS cards? And a lot more, which you will hear about in future posts. I'm rambling.

So now came all the media with my clients on the news, completely devastated by the theft of their identity. My clients who had trusted me with all of their confidential information, defrauded by my husband. Craig's story, about the trusts, was well thought out, and I was spinning in a web of lies and a lot of manipulation.

By this point I knew I wouldn’t get to just leave him anymore. I knew this was far bigger than I could ever imagine and one can’t predict the next move of someone who was capable of this much destruction.You would need to be inside his head to be able to predict his next move. I didn’t stand a chance. But my children were my life, and their happiness was everything to me. I had to protect them. They were all I could think about.

I applied for a job at Fidelity Investments (my insurance license with the State of Utah was still valid as I had not been charged with anything). I started working at Fidelity in November 1999.

In December of 1999 Craig had to appear in court for the 3 felony charges of Theft by Deception. He had hired an immigration attorney and they managed to convince the judge that if Craig was to get charged with 3 felonies, or serve any jail time, that he would immediately be deported by the INS (Immigration and Naturalization Services) and that his wife and 4 boys would be left fatherless with no income. I don’t remember distinct details, but I do remember the judge reduced his charges to 2 felonies and sentenced him to 1 -15 years in jail, with immediate suspension, so that the INS would not get him. He was also ordered to pay $30K in restitution.

He was assigned a probation officer who would come by once a month and take some notes. As far as I could tell, Craig was going to get away with paying a fine and walking away after destroying so many lives. I wish I could explain my emotions at this point but I don’t have any memory of them. I shut off all emotions and went to work on building a new life that would eventually free the boys and I. Craig had made some very firm threats to me about even thinking about leaving and taking the kids. He reminded me I was nothing and had nothing and that if I was to leave he would destroy every job I ever got. He actually meant this (turns out), as when I was a Realtor selling houses a year later, he tried to get me fired. But thankfully my broker was onto him even before I was. Anyway, I knew he was capable of anything so I stayed put.

The good news is, through all of this, Craig remained to be cheerful and good to the boys. He spent time with them, played with them and taught them great things. A lot of people found him to be charming and wonderful. Blonde, blue eyes and always offering to help everywhere he went. He was always the first one to help someone in need, and everyone who met him thought he was a great guy. He was the perfect Psychopath.

Today I looked that word up and here is what I found:

Professor Robert Hare is a criminal psychologist, and the creator of the PCL-R, a psychological assessment used to determine whether someone is a psychopath. For decades, he has studied people with psychopathy, and worked with them, in prisons and elsewhere. “It stuns me, as much as it did when I started 40 years ago, that it is possible to have people who are so emotionally disconnected that they can function as if other people are objects to be manipulated and destroyed without any concern,” he says.

Unfortunately that describes Craig to a T. But I didn’t see it. When he put on the charm, I fell for it hard. When he committed those illegal acts, I thought he was just trying to prove he could beat the law, break the rules, and loved the thrill, the adrenaline rush from getting away with it when he did. I wish someone had told me to research Psychopathy. But dang, we barely had the internet!! Google wasn’t invented yet and so any research one had to do you went to the bookstore or the library to do it. AND THIS IS WHY WE NEED TO TALK OPENLY WITH OUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

I hope someone out there is reading this and realizes they need to start paying attention to behavior patterns. I was naive and had no experience with anything ugly in my life before I married Craig. I had no idea what a psychopath was and didn’t realize that not all people are the same but with different color hair. Haha ….ok, I wasn’t that naive….but honestly I always saw the good in people, and thought everyone was like me. This is obviously one of my biggest lessons I have to learn in this world because it took me years to actually get it. Now I think I almost go the complete opposite direction when I meet a man who shows interest in me. I run so fast that I think they look at the dust and wonder if I was just an illusion. My family and friends will attest to this. I know I need a lot of coaching or something to trust a man again, but I am open to it. I just need to learn how to trust again, because I don’t trust my own judgement.

The next 6 months I spent on auto pilot. I went to work at Fidelity and was grateful that Craig’s parents lived with us and help me with the boys. The kids adored them. Granny cooked dinner every night and Oupa would play chauffeur taking them to all their activities. We had a planner on the kitchen counter and I would insert my schedule and when I needed help, and they would take care of the rest. They were a great blessing in our lives and I will always be grateful to them.

Craig kept bringing up Liz and how he wanted her to come “join” us. When I first discovered he was sleeping with her, and we had that huge fight, he told me that he and Liz had both agreed it was wrong and they would never do it again. But they stayed friends and no amount of begging or pleading from me changed that. He said he was doing business with her and that one day she would make him a lot of money, and he was not going to give that up for anything (not even his wife). But he promised me they did not have a physical relationship anymore. I told him he was ruining our marriage by always wanting other women, and his exact words were “Eve, you destroyed our marriage when you gained 100 lbs”. This hit me hard. My self esteem was barely hanging by a thread after he had cheated on me twice, and now he is blaming my weight for everything that went wrong in our lives. First they justify, then they blame.

He is asking permission to have someone else in our bed to keep him happy. He said I should be glad he is not doing it behind my back because he easily could (obviously). I tried so many diets. Nothing worked. Craig’s mom would cook healthy meals and give me smaller portions, and all this did was make me feel worse. Being that overweight causes an emotional trauma within yourself, and when others remind you of it, it feels very humiliating. I promise you that overweight people are VERY aware they are fat. Every minute of every day. Reminding them makes them feel even worse, which causes a lot of people to turn to food. It's the only thing they have complete control of, and food is very comforting for that reason. After losing my business I felt like I was worthless, and I knew my husband was not attracted to me and probably ashamed of me. I blamed myself for everything wrong in my life. Especially when Craig would tell me I was worthless all the time.

Gastric By Pass Surgery

One day I was at work and I heard about Gastric Bypass Surgery. I looked into it and remember thinking….if I just had another chance to start over I would be able to keep the weight off. I needed to lose the weight to get my life back. Pregnancies did havoc on my body and I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I knew I was very unhealthy. I will post pictures for you guys to see what I looked like.

So I looked into the Gastric Bypass option and discovered that the insurance benefits we had at Fidelity would cover it 100 %. If anything good ever came out of me losing my business and going to get a job, it is the opportunity I got to have this surgery. I went for the pre exam and was told I needed to be 5 lbs heavier. I was 95 lbs overweight and the doctor would only do the surgery if I was 100 lbs over weight. No problem. I fixed that in a matter of weeks.

In July of 2000 I underwent the major stomach surgery of having my stomach divided up and my small intestine connected to the smaller part so most of what I ate didn’t even get to my stomach. I remember waking up after surgery and feeling like a steam roller had rolled over me. I was in so much pain. After 3 days in hospital I went home and started my new life of eating a shot of jello 3 times a day. Craig’s mom was incredible to me. She followed the instructions and fed me exactly what was suggested on the menu. She took care of me and slowly I recovered. I lost 50 lbs in the first 6 months. Best decision I have ever made. After a year I had lost all 100 lbs and felt like a new person!!

But now Craig started to become very, very jealous and possessive. He complained when I was big, and he complained when I was thin. Ladies…..be who YOU want to be. Don’t be controlled by anyone in your life. Don’t ever allow it. Yes, losing that weight changed my life and increased my health tenfold, but it certainly did not make my husband any happier.

Move to Kaysville

In December of 2000, Craig told me we were moving to Kaysville. He had bought a house and that’s where we were headed. So we packed everything up and headed north to Kaysville. The new house was much bigger than what we had lived in before, but Craig had made a deal with our good friend Dave, to rent to own. I didn’t even ask questions anymore.

A new probation officer was assigned to Craig. Her name was Kathy. From day one she didn’t agree with the judge's ruling on letting Craig off so lightly and she called the INS. She called Craig in to come to his appointment and had the INS waiting to arrest him. That was 2 weeks before Christmas. I had to explain to the boys that daddy had gone out of town and wouldn’t be home for Christmas. That was very difficult. I was struggling between what I wanted and what I thought the boys needed. I wanted peace.

In my gut I knew I had been saved. I knew that as hard as this was going to be, it was the best thing for us.