BLOG #8
At this point I need to introduce an incredible man who put so much trust and faith into Craig, and me, and unfortunately he passed away very unexpectedly in 2005. His name was Bruce. Bruce was a massage client of Craigs and he was a very, very generous man. When the average person paid $50 for a massage (back in 2001), Bruce would pay Craig $110. Every week. So when Craig was arrested by the INS, guess who was the first person at my door with a check? I was so grateful for this man and was surprised at how generous he was, even though Craig was in jail! I am sure Bruce had seen the news about Craig being arrested for the identity theft so all I can think is that Craig managed to convince Bruce there was a mix up and he was innocent. I have no idea why he put so much into us. He really believed in Craig. (Craig was the best manipulator though, and unfortunately I believe Craig saw a man with deep pockets and so he put on the biggest charm with him to be able to get anything he wanted.)
Bruce continued to support me for months, in fact the entire 6 months Craig was gone. I stayed working at Fidelity full time, but the house payment alone was $2K a month. We were in a 7 bedroom home and there was no way I could do that on my salary. Bruce literally rescued me.
We had no idea if Craig was ever coming home. In fact, it looked like he was not. Strangely enough, some days I missed him. I missed having someone to fall back on, someone to hug me and tell me it would be ok, someone to love me. Even though I had been through hell with him, when he was not around, sometimes I would forget the hard times.
I have typed up journal entries. They are italicized. Did I spell that correctly? Spell check is not jumping on that….weird. Anyway, so the following 6 months were a very intense mix of emotions. As I mentioned, he was taken right before Christmas which I would not have ever wished on my children. Ever. They kept asking me when Daddy was coming home, and I couldn’t answer them. They noticed my stress, and I had no answers.
Craig did have access to a phone and would call me, collect, 3 or 4 or 5 times a day. He could reach it from his cell and so there was no certain time to expect his call, it was anytime. This became a problem because he could only call us on a landline, not a cell phone, and if I wasn't home exactly when he expected me to be, I was in trouble. A lot of trouble. It meant I didn’t love him and didn’t want to speak to him.
Journal notes
12-20-2000
I shake all the time. I can’t control it. Craig thinks it's because I drink too much coffee, but I think it’s because I’m petrified. I am so scared. When will Craig come home?
I feel like I need anti depressants. Liz keeps offering me all sorts of things. I might try the zoloft but I’m scared to. I do know I need to do something. I am so tight. When I yawn, instead of releasing air out and relaxing, I just get more tense and my stomach tightens up. This was all so sudden. I didn’t expect Craig to be gone right before Christmas….what do I tell the boys?
Nights and evenings are so hard. I hate walking around the house because I keep expecting to walk into him. I don’t want to do laundry - it’s like he was killed in an accident. I can still smell him on his clothes.
01-02-2001
I’ve been taking zoloft for a few days. I think it’s helping because I’m not shaking as much. I’m not as tense inside, but it’s making me very tired at work.
Craig is sounding very depressed. I can’t imagine the pain he is going through. To be pulled away from your family, your life, your future! And then to be put into such a controlled environment. I hope he figures out a way to cope. It doesn’t sound like he is doing very well.
He didn’t phone me the other night. I was thinking they had let him out and maybe he was on his way home to surprise us. But then he called.
This seems very real this time. I keep thinking there will be a way for him to come home. I can’t believe how long they’re going to keep him without any hearing. And why did they have to take him right before Christmas?
When we talk on the phone he is so distraught that I put on a strong front for him. I try to give him strength. I don’t want him to worry about me because he is in so much pain, he has so much loss. I don’t want to increase that.
Sometimes he gets strong and then I break down. He starts sounding confident that everything is going to work out, then I collapse. It’s like testing a shaky floor. It it feels weak, I tread carefully. But the moment I feel it’s strength, I get all weak and want to drop and be held and told it’s going to be ok. There are not many moments that he is the strong one, it’s usually me who has to be the strong one, supporting him and telling him it’s going to be ok. Then we hang up and I go to my bedroom and sob. Everyone is being supportive and offering help, but I want people to think I am strong and I can handle it and not to worry about me.
But then on the inside I am so scared. I am lonely and I need strength. Anyone can stand behind a wall during a hurricane or tornado and say “Bring it on”. But what happens when there is no wall? Who is my wall? Is it Craig? I am so confused about who I should be afraid of and who I think can protect me. How can my husband be the one I am afraid of, and at the same time need him for strength?
I have to smile and be brave all day long, at work and at home. I have to show the kids that we are strong and going to be ok. Inside, I feel like I’m crumbling into pieces.
Dr Dave left some strong sleeping pills for me. I want to take them, go to bed and wake up after this is all over. But I want the kids to know their mom is strong. They need a strong foundation and I am all they have. One day I want them to look back at this and say “Mom was so brave”. When they have trials and tribulations they need to be strong! If I buckle….what am I teaching them??
It is so hard to come home and face them with confidence. I feel like I am lying to them. I try to keep very busy so that I don’t have to think. Doug says I play too much Solitaire on the computer. If only he knew how close I am to losing my mind.
Note: Craig was set to have a hearing on January 3rd, but it was postponed.
01-03-2001
What the hell? The judge gets sick so they postpone the hearing?? I feel sick. I am going to throw up. I can’t take this anymore.
01-07-2001
I hate Sundays. I can’t believe they denied him bond. I don’t understand it. This house is so quiet. I need to get out. Everyone keeps calling me to find out what’s going on. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I am so talked out. I don’t have all the answers, in fact, I don’t have ANY of them.
I really appreciate all the offers of support though. It’s just so hard to keep explaining everything over and over and being asked so many questions.
Craig and I had an argument on the phone, then Dave called me and I was still crying so he asked me what had happened, what the fight was about…..and I couldn’t remember. I’m losing my mind.
I try not to think. I try to be very shallow in my thoughts. I don’t want to hurt too much so I refuse to dwell in it. I won’t give in to misery. I will stay strong.
01-16-2001
Craig and I had a big argument last night on the phone. He wanted to know why I hadn’t phoned Dad (my dad) and asked him to write up a business plan for me to go into a partnership with Liz in the vitamin business. I tried to explain to him that the reason I hadn’t is because Dad will ask me questions that I don’t have the answers to! Craig forgets that I wasn’t present during all the conversations he has had with Liz. I wasn’t there when they were exploring this whole venture. Now he calls me from jail and tells me to call my Dad and get the plan written up! What if Dad asks me who the market is that we’re targeting, the volumes, the sales, where it stands now, who the plan is for etc etc etc.
(Side note…...Liz had a lot of money and I think he saw opportunity with her too. He always found the wealthy people and became best friends with them.)
Craig is really mad at me which I hate. He was so worried about the way I might have spoken to Liz. I have NEVER been rude to her, except when I found out she was leaving love messages for my husband on his voicemail! I had every right to be upset about that. But since then I have tried very hard (for peace sake) to be nice to her.
But when I was talking to Craig, as my husband and confidante, I expressed my concerns….and all he could think of was how badly he THOUGHT I MIGHT have treated Liz!! Why the hell does he always protect her???? I come 2nd place. If she and I were to get into a dispute, guess who’s side he will take?? That hurts me a lot. He started swearing at me, so I hung up on him. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Even from jail he could reach out and hurt me! Why do I keep allowing him to involve her in our lives? I am the enabler. I allow it. I should put my foot down and say no more.
(Note: At this point he had not tried again to bring her into our bedroom. This was still business)
But then he gets so sweet, and loving and showers me with affection and adoration. And I melt into a stupid puddle with no brain! I believe every word he says about how much he loves me and I am the only one for him and we’re best friends, and he has made sure Bruce will take care of us so that I won’t have any financial worries. And I love that. I want security and in a weird, deranged way, I think he is taking care of me. I want him to be happy. He deserves so much after all he has been through. I try to give him what he wants (Liz), but it hurts me so much. The pain gets into my chest and becomes unbearable. I imagine all sorts of horrible things, then I get angry and the hurt turns to pain. And then I wonder why or how he can inflict this much pain on me when he knows how much it hurts me? I tell him. I try to explain it to him. He eventually convinces me that he really understands and is sorry for causing the pain. Then he is so good to me again, and I feel loved, and I love him again. Then I think he believes that everything is so good and fixed that he can go back to his old ways. I wish he would put my feelings before Liz’s. Just once. I wish this didn’t hurt so much. I feel a big barrier going up, a big wall around my heart. I hate pain. I hate to hurt, so I put up a barrier so that I can’t get hurt. I pretend not to care. I try to convince myself that I don’t care. It would be SO much easier. But I do care. I love him. I wish he could understand how committed I am and have been. I don’t want anyone else. Craig has the capacity to totally satisfy me. He is gorgeous, smart, funny and he is an amazing dad to the boys. He helps me in the house, he always pays attention to me and tells me he loves me. I couldn’t ask for more. I don’t want anyone else. I just wish I didn’t have to pay the price with the lies, the deception and Liz. I can’t have everything perfect I guess, but I would rather give up something else. I would rather he be interested in deer hunting, paint balling, any other hobby, other than women. That is too close to breaking my heart. That wears on my inner core.
He called me back an hour later. That was one long hour. He told me never to hang up on him again. Then he said the chances are that he is not coming home for a while. He is convinced that in 2 months he will be deported back to South Africa. After that he will not legally be allowed back into the States for 5 years.
So! All pain and confusion aside (I will have to do the feelings part later), I am now solely responsible for all the bills and being a single parent to the boys forever. We have to move. I can’t afford to stay in this house. I will talk to the boys and see if they want to go back to their old schools or stay in these schools, and then find a smaller home for us.
I can’t imagine how Craig is holding out. He sounded pretty strong, I don’t know how he does it, This is devastating! I can’t write…..I feel sick to my stomach…..
End of journal entries for today. It still blows my mind that I loved him through everything he had done. I have had some life coaching recently, and I believe he had managed to convince me that I was worthless, useless and that no one else would ever want me. So when he was loving and kind, I was pathetically grateful for it. He had me so wrapped around his crooked finger that I acted like a puppet, which is exactly how he wanted me. You will see the proof in this when in 2002 I finally get the courage to leave. And OH MY was that whole following year the worst experience of my life. He drove me insane with his needs, his manipulation and his threats. It is a miracle I survived that year (literally), and now he is locked up and I feel safe for the most part. There have been a few incidents where he has made severe threats to me from prison, and I will share those with you when we get to them, but for the most part I feel safe.
That’s all for today. On Wednesday you will hear more about the court hearings at the INS deportation center and everything I had to do for Craig's trial. I have more journal entries too. Hopefully you are not bored by those but they give a snapshot of how I was feeling at the time.
Thanks again for reading my blog. I love you all.
Keep love in your heart always!
No comments:
Post a Comment