# 26 Craig tried to get me fired...

I am going to continue from # 25 with journal entries. At the end of today's post I leave you with some of my thoughts and feelings.

NOTE: After I moved out in July 2002, Craig started going back to church. This completely blew my mind, but I knew it was part of his charade that he was the good guy and I was the "terrible wife who left him for a single, social life". He had the bishop convinced (since he bailed Craig out of jail when he was arrested for violating our protective order) and he had a lot of neighbors convinced that I had lost it. After he was arrested, all these people came to me and apologized. But that is another trait of a psychopath.....you convince people that you are wonderful, sweet and caring.

Wed Feb 26th, 2003

Craig asked me to go see his Bishop with him, so I did. The Bishop asked us to write down what we want out of this relationship and take it to Shondell on Monday. We agreed to 4 things:

1. No discussing history beyond today
2. No negative comments
3. I have to call Craig twice a day for a friendly chat
4. We will spend 2 hours a day together as a family.

Craig wanted to include 4 make out sessions a week, including 2 sexual. I told them I cannot agree to that.

Thur Feb 27th, 2003

Note: I helped Carrie and Shea buy a home. Shea was also our coffee bean supplier so we knew them well and had become friends.

Carrie (Shea’s wife) got a phone call today from a woman that said she worked in my office with me, and that I was being reprimanded for having inappropriate activity with her husband Shea,, and that the Real Estate board were considering putting me on a probation.  There is only one other woman in my office and that is my broker Sherry. I asked her about it and she did not make a call like that and those were completely false accusations, but she did tell me that a  few weeks ago Craig called her and tried to get her to fire me. She knew I was going through a bad time with him so she had chosen to ignore it and not upset me. So we both feel this phone call today that Carrie received was probably something to do with Craig. I guess he had threatened to “create evidence, make calls and get me fired”….he is keeping to that promise. Good thing my Broker knows me better than that.

Fri Feb 28th, 2003

Craig asked me to help him sort through stuff at his house tomorrow, I said I would be there at 10am.

This afternoon he called me and asked what I want to do with all the kids toys. I told him I could take them all and sort through them. He started swearing and hung up on me.

When I arrived to get the kids from his house, he got on the motorbike and took off at full speed down the street. I heard him skid the bike around the corner. Apparently he hit gravel and ended up in someone’s backyard. I am worried about how he is going to be tomorrow while we sort out things in the house.

Sat March 1st, 2003

Within 10 minutes of arriving at the house, Craig started telling me that our neighbors (and good friends of mine) had only shovelled their side of the sidewalk and then stopped. He was very upset about that. I didn’t know what to say, so I tried to brush it off and said we didn’t need to discuss it. He got really mad at me and said it proves what scummy friends I have. I told him to leave it alone and let’s just continue sorting things out in the house. The boys were right there listening to him carry on about our terrible neighbors who didn’t shovel his sidewalk for him. Then he decided he didn’t want to sort stuff out and told me to leave. He yelled at me and told me to get out. Then he followed us to the car, got in with us and continued yelling at me! He told me to get back in the house. The boys were in the car with me. I told him I didn’t want to go back in because he was too angry. After 20 minutes of me asking him to get out of my car, he finally did. I ignored his calls the rest of the day. I am so sick and tired of his unpredictable moods.

Sun March 2nd, 2003

Craig called and asked if he could come over for lunch. When he did, I told him I don’t want to go on like this anymore. I can’t do it. He became very angry. I asked him how he thought he could demand that I love him or else deal with his anger? I don’t like living that way. I told him I can’t fake it. I can’t pretend I am in love just to avoid his anger and the consequences of not being in love with him. He told me he would destroy me. I said I would have to deal with that. (I had no idea how much he meant it)

I asked him to leave. He started to yell and call me names again. Wil walked up to him again, told him not to call me a whore and to leave. Craig was very angry, but left.

Then he sent me a long email about how he wants to love me and make our family work.

There is a whole week missing from my journal, not sure why.

But I do have an email from him on March 02, 2003 which I will be posting in the next week or so. I also have an audio phone call that I am typing up, which takes HOURS so I am hoping I get can get that to you by Sunday as it took place in Feb 2003 and so fits in right around here. The first part of the phone call is Craig talking to Tamara about the “loan” they are going to be getting. This is where they are discussing the life insurance benefits that they were planning to get……

Until next time my friends, always keep love in your heart. I really want to trust again. I want to love and feel safe. My goal here is to get all of this horrible stuff out of me so that I don’t have to think about it anymore. I appreciate all your support so much!! I get messages from total strangers and I really appreciate that. Please keep it coming. XXX

# 25 Craig's wants more affection...

Friday February 14th, 2003

Valentine's day.

I invited Craig to go with the boys and I to see Jungle Book II. I was feeling a little sorry for him and he had been calm for a few days so I thought maybe we could have a nice afternoon with the boys. While we were waiting at the theater Craig and I talked. He is very frustrated with me that I don’t give him enough love, attention and affection. He says I need to commit to him. But I cannot do that. I just don’t have the feelings or the trust it takes to commit to him.

I went out with Dave tonight. The neighbors watched the boys for me because Craig said he had plans when I asked him if he could take them.  Then Craig called and said he had cancelled his plans so we could go out. I told him I already had plans (which he knew, that is why he said he couldn’t take the boys. He was hoping it would mean I couldn’t go out) He was upset with me for going out with Dave. When I came home and picked the boys up from the neighbors house, I saw Tamaras car arrive at Craig’s house at 10:30pm.

Saturday Feb 15th, 2003

I had to show houses all day today so Craig offered to spend the day with the boys. They ended up being at my house all day, with him. When I arrived home he had the kids ask me if he could spend the night. I said no. I need my space.

Monday Feb 17th, 2003

Craig took the kids this evening. When I went to pick them up at 8pm he asked me if he could come spend the night at my place. I declined again. I explained I needed to get the boys ready for school and to bed and then I have work and phone calls to make. The truth is, I don’t want him pushing himself on me. I know he wants a physical relationship, but I can’t do it.  But if I tell him that he gets hurt and then mad. So I make up excuses, which he knows, so either way I end up upsetting him. I don’t have the strength or energy to give him the amount of emotional security as he needs. He always needs more and it’s so exhausting and draining for me. He is wanting so much from me right now, physically and emotionally, and I have nothing left to give him.

Tuesday Feb 18th, 2003

Digging through my paperwork I discovered that Craig was charged with an Attempted Burglary and Assault on this date. I don’t have anything in my journal about it, so it didn’t involve me at all. The first I knew about it was while I was going through all these papers to write this story. But you will how how many different things were going on without me knowing about them. I found out a lot after they were both arrested.

Back to the journal…..

Craig and I went to see Shondell and told her about the CA trip. She was very surprised. We talked about commitment. I told her I cannot commit to the marriage at this point because we still have some issues that need sorting out. I need space. Craig is very demanding of my time, energy and especially emotions.

We decided we could give up dating others and work on having a good time together for 3 weeks.

Craig took the boys and I to Olive Garden. I thought we had a nice time, but afterwards he said  that I didn’t touch him enough. Sigh.

Wed Feb 19th, 2003

Craig came over for dinner. He wanted me to cuddle with him and make out. I didn’t want to. I am not comfortable with being physical with him. One step at a time….I can’t just jump back in with both feet. He got mad at me. I reminded him that yesterday he had agreed not to force me into anything physical. He says I am not committed to the marriage. I agree. But I am committed to trying to build a positive relationship with him again. It just gets difficult when he needs so much of something I can’t, or won’t, give or have. I am so frustrated.

Thurs Feb 20th, 2003

I got home at 7pm tonight. Craig wanted me to go to a movie with him. I was very tired from working all day and just wanted to be home with the kids, rather than leave them alone even more and put themselves to bed. Craig was frustrated with me but stayed until 10:30pm and then left.

Fri Feb 21st, 2003

Craig came over. We watched a movie, and then of course he wanted to spend the night. He asked Rocco to ask me. I said no. It’s not fair that he keeps asking the boys to ask me if he can stay. The air between us is very tense. I had seen Liz’s car parked outside of his house the whole day today. I asked him about it, and he said she wasn’t feeling well and just took a nap on his bed. Honestly? Can you imagine what would happen if I had some guy sleeping on my bed all day? Why is it always OK for him to have whatever he wants, but it’s a different story if I do it? We just made that agreement on Tuesday not to date others.

Sat Feb 22nd, 2003

I worked at the model home all day today. Craig brought the boys over to visit me. They stayed all afternoon. As they were getting ready to leave, Dave arrived. I had not spoken to Dave and had no idea he was going to come by. I could tell Craig was very angry. After Dave left I called Craig to apologize and told him I had no idea he was coming. Craig is frustrated that I won’t commit to just him. He told the boys that Dave is my boyfriend.

Mon Feb 24th, 2003

I invited Craig to have dinner with us at 5pm. He came over and stayed until 6:30pm when I had to leave for an appointment. He wanted the boys to go with him, but they chose to stay home.

Tues Feb 25th, 2003

Craig called and is frustrated with me. He said he thinks all bets should be off, meaning that this 3 week plan we made is not working. I had invited him to dinner last night, which I didn’t have to do, and I even initiated a hug when he was cutting up the chicken. He says he is upset because he can tell I am not giddy in love with him. I told him I am trying to build that up again, through friendship first, and learning to trust again, which is very hard for me. He can’t accept that. I am not giddy in love so he would prefer a war. I don’t want a war, I don’t want us fighting in front of the boys anymore.

#24 Whose money is this?

This continues from the end if #23

Go back to ending of #23 where there is a pause.

When we were living in South Jordan, Craig convinced his parents to uproot their lives and come live with us in Utah. He spoke to them for hours (he had a way to call them from payphones that would not cost anything)...another illegal thing he saw no problem with doing. Anyway, he convinced them to put their belongings into a container, ship it over here and move to America to live with us. That way we could take care of them for the rest of their lives. I didn’t know his folks well, but I had spoken to them often on the phone and I know they were worried about their future in SA, so I had no problem with them coming to live with us. I had no idea how much money they had, and that was never even discussed. It was none of my business. Craig told me his Mom would watch the boys for me while I went to work and she would probably cook for us too. I have told you how grateful I am for their help, they really were a godsend. They each had to have their own bedroom, so I doubled up my boys until we moved out to the bigger house in Kaysville.

Over the years I discovered that Craig was “borrowing” from his folks. I was working hard and making good enough money but Craig always wanted more and was always devising a way to get more. I think he used a lot of their money for his day trading, stock trading, because our quality of life didn’t jump up. I think when times got tight, he would fill the gap with a loan from them, but I didn’t know about it for years. When he finally brought it to my attention I was shocked, I couldn’t believe how many checks he had taken from them. He had written every one down and said we would pay it back to them, but “at least they knew they would be safe with us and we would take care of them for the rest of their lives”.

At this same time he was borrowing chunks of money from Bruce. Bruce is the one who ended up funding my coffee shop. He had been a client of Craigs since we graduated from massage school and Craig was very good at getting money out of him. My son had a seizure one day, we had to have him rushed to hospital and the bill for that was over $2K. Craig got a check from Bruce for the entire amount. So I don’t know why our lives were costing so much, or where all the money was going, but we certainly were going through it quickly.

After Craig and I separated, his parents went back to SA. But now they had nothing. We even had their furniture. Craig continued to live in the house as I told you, and wouldn’t let me even get my things out. Then he was arrested and my whole world crashed. I had days to rescue what I could out of the house, and a lot of it was lost. I did rescue what I knew was very important to his family, like pictures, chests of treasures, antique furniture….I rescued as much as I possibly could, along with my things. I have not been able to ship their furniture back. An aunt in California, (actually her husband) sent  UPS to my house to pick up some paintings, but I still have some of their furniture. We will never get rid of it, our sons are now using it in their homes, and we will look after it forever. If the time comes when I can afford to ship the furniture back to Craig's mom, I will do that. His Dad has since passed.

Back to the story. When Craig accused me of stealing his mother's money and would I ever pay her back, I told him I would. I still felt it was our responsibility to give back what we took from them, even though I don’t know what he did with all their money. I don’t even know how much it was, but in my heart, they deserved to have their retirement back.

Back to the story...

Craig dropped the F word over and over. He was yelling at me again, and crying, and telling me I took all of his mother's f*** money. It sounded like he was having a breakdown and realizing everything he had done. And everything that was lost.

Then he was asking me again why I was trying to destroy him. I told him I had put up boundaries when I needed them, and he chose to overstep them. Why?

His response “Because HE LOVES HER and he doesn't know what is going on” (put himself in third person).

Me: “You were told to leave me alone, to stop messing with my head all the time. I needed you to stop fighting with me”

Craig: “You are the one who decided the marriage was over. Why didn’t you try?”

Me: “ Yes, this time I am done. I have put up with all your affairs and all the high demands for years. Eventually it took a toll on me.”

Craig: “You reported me for car theft, for assault and then put a protective order on me!”

Me: “And you still wouldn’t leave me alone”

Craig: “Man, I hope you are happy with yourself” Then he decided to call my sister a very derogatory name so I told him I would not continue this conversation anymore and I hung up. Again.

He called me back. I answered and told him to leave my family out of this! I said don’t you dare bring my family into this. I told him for 2 years I begged him for attention, for love and begged to be his wife and for him to give up the girlfriends. I said “I begged you to love me and no one else!”

He tried to fight back, and I told him I don’t want to fight anymore. I said the kids were in the house and I don’t want them to hear this. Then he asked if the kids had heard the whole conversation, I told him no, they just got home and I need to hang up. He said “Don’t hang up on me!” I told him I can’t fight anymore, and I have nothing left to say. I begged “Don’t call me back!”

His last words on this recording were “Why are you trying to murder me?”

               **********************************************************************

I realize I have jumped around alot with these notes. Trying to link up my journal to audio recordings and then emails too has been a juggle. So I apologize for the back and forth, but it’s only Jan and Feb of 2003 I got ahead of myself. The audio above was recorded in December of 2002.

On Jan 10th I sent Craig an email that said “Still waiting for a response from you on the house. I’m going to list it for sale. Do you want me to get someone else to fix it up or do you want to do it?”

He responded with 3 typed pages, of which I will spare you from. He spent a lot of time and energy degrading my family, calling me names, being angry at me and then despairing. This is how he ended the email, and responded to my question.

Email response from Craig on 01.10.02

“I recognize and accept that what I did really hurt you and insulted you and trivialized our relationship, at that time, and especially since Denver there had been a strong selfish, self gratification impulse, I did not feel I was getting enough emotionally and you were telling me that you couldn’t give me anymore. You needed to indulge yourself while I was away and I sat in a hole. I wanted to indulge myself when I got out. I was wrong. The value system was wrong. The support system was wrong. There has to be a better way to live, where both parties are striving for a higher goal. Mediocrity (and below) is a result of no effort. I think you are in store for a whole lot of pain and maybe that will teach you the humility you need to start over.

I would love to love you, I would love to forgive you (real effort on both sides is required for that, and you won’t do that.)

I would love to work with you.

“Memories” they can hurt.

I’m sure that I will find someone like the Eve I used to know. Start another life? What a joke! You are selfish and sick and I hope you find a cure.

As for the West Valley house I’m going to move into it for the next few months before I go.

Isn’t it interesting this new level of hostility that you have since my sentencing, no jail time an issue?  You have a different way to punish me now. Your actions and words. You deny everything and extol your virtues but I think the house of cards will fall.

End of his email.

That is where I will leave off today. There are about 17 long emails he sent to me after this one, the last one being sent on June 29th. You can tell things are heating up in his life and within 3 weeks of his last email he committed the crime that put him away forever. After that comes a bunch of news articles about the crime he and Tamara committed.

#23 Craig asks me to lie in court

Side B of tape (12.19.02)

We are still arguing about the WVC house. I told him I can’t afford to work the coffee trailer for him for 5 days if he is only going to put 2 of those days into the house. I told him I have bills piling up on my desk and I need to get back to work. I had given him 2 weeks and he hardly touched the house.

Then he swears under his breath and says he has got to go, but then realizes he is on his cell phone so the conversation continues while he is driving. Except now you can barely hear what I am saying because the road sounds etc are louder than my voice coming through his recorder.I have held the recorder right up to my ear and can make out some of what I am saying. He is loud and clear on the tape of course.

He says he is on his way to pick up the Quit Claim deed for me to sign the West Valley City house over to him. The day before we had spent hours discussing the WV house and he had convinced me somehow that it would be a good idea to put the house into his name and he will fix it up and split the equity with me when we sell it. That night I lay in bed thinking and I realized the only debt on that house was a second mortgage he took out on it to pay his restitution fine (11K). Being in the Real Estate business I had run the numbers on that house and knew we could sell it for about $120K. If I signed the house over to him and he mortgages the heck out of it again and then leaves the country, I will have no way of getting my equity from that house.

So I told him I have thought about it and don’t want to sign the house over to him. I want my name to stay on it until we sell it. This made him very mad. He started yelling at me and said we would be lucky to get $20K out of that house. So I said then we can split that. He said no, he wants his name taken off of it. I told him his name was not on the house, and then he yelled  “THE DEBT! THE DEBT! I want my name off THE DEBT!” I told him I am not taking on the debt of his restitution fine. So he then said he was going to sign something that would convict me criminally in his felonies and I would have to get attorneys to fight the FBI and prove my innocence. He said I will need an attorney, so will my dad and so will another friend of mine he named. Then he proceeded to tell me how many thousands of dollars that will cost me.

He then continues to yell at me for the rest of this conversation. He says “I….am….dead...I...lose my children….I lose everything….I have nothing”.

He asks me “How many times have I hurt you? How many times have you hurt me?”

I asked him how I hurt him. He yells back…” You put me in JAIL!! He repeated that a number of times. I told him if he would leave me alone he would not get in trouble. He took that as a direct threat. He is yelling even louder now. “YOU SHUT THE F*** UP because YOU are VULNERABLE!” I asked him what he was talking about….he repeated it loud and clear “YOU ARE VULNERABLE”.

Then he calmed down a little and told me to go back to him. I told him I don’t have to go back to him to get what is legally mine. That triggered him again and he started yelling about what is legal and what is not. And let’s discuss legalities.

I hung up on him. I couldn’t listen to another word.

I think a few hours must have gone by and he called me back. You are probably wondering why I even answer. If I don’t (like apparently I had done the night before) he assumes the worst and gets very mad at me. He will come hunt me down and find me to fight with me, so it is usually easier to just answer his call when I can.

This time he is not angry anymore. Now he is very emotional. I ask what’s up? He said he wants to discuss the protective order and if I really did try to get it dropped (see blog #17). He says he has to go to court on the 6th (I think Jan 6) and he wants to know if he can fight it or if he has to roll over and die.

He said “Tell me you are not doing this to me. Tell me someone else made you do it” He sounds like he is begging. I told him the Victim's Advocates (VA) had told me to keep it in place.

Craig: “Do you remember you telling me you were going to drop it?”

I told him I spent 2 hours talking to them. I told them I didn’t want him deported, I didn’t want my children to lose their Dad, I didn’t want him to go to jail. I just wanted him to leave me alone. The VA told me they had seen this scenario so many times, where the girl comes in and begs to drop the PO because she is afraid of the consequences of having it. So when I left it was up in the air and nothing had been decided upon.

I told him they would not let me leave the building by myself because they thought he would be out there waiting for me so they had someone escort me to my car. Once I was in my car and the doors were locked they went back into the building, but my car wouldn’t start. To this day I don’t know what was wrong with my car, but it wouldn’t start. So I sat trying to figure out what to do. The people in the building came back out to me and asked me why I hadn’t left yet so I told them my car wouldn’t start. They wouldn’t let me stay in my car, and took me back inside to call for help.

They were scared of Craig. I told him  they knew he was angry. To this he yelled in the phone “ANGRY! HURT! CRUSHED!” I told him all of that comes across very scary to people, especially me. He then gave me a lecture on how everyone knows that anger is a form of fear and it’s good to vent it and get it out. So I told him I can’t deal with it. It’s too much for me.

He went back to the court date coming up on the 6th and asked me what I am going to say.  He asked if I will be positive toward him or negative towards him. I said it depends who is asking the question and what the question is. I will not lie. He said “So you want me to go to jail, you want me kicked out of the country. Do you want me kicked out of the country? Do you understand what you have done to me?” He is crying now. You hear me say I’m sorry. I really was feeling sorry for him, and didn’t want him deported or sent to jail. I told him it was the violations that got him into trouble. I needed him to leave me alone and when he got violent I had to go to court and get a court order to tell him to leave me alone. And then he violated them. I am not the one doing this to him. He could not see that. In his eyes, this was completely my doing and my fault.

C: “You have perpetrated vicious, vicious things against me!”

I replied that it wasn’t all my fault. So then he got sarcastic and said “Oh that’s right, I reported myself to the police, that’s right, I took myself to the police station and told them I want to go to jail. That’s right, I told them to lock me up and kick me out of the country!”

Then he said I could have walked away. I told him I did leave, and he followed me. He doesn’t leave me alone. Life was becoming unbearable. More sarcasm “Unbearable? I hit you, I slapped you around and I harassed you!” He rolled his tongue when he said harassed to make it sound like a terrible thing, sarcastically.

Then he brought up Michael again. He told me I cheated on him and he had to get over it. I reminded him that the 3 times I had been with Michael were all orchestrated by him, it was hardly an affair.

He thought it was ok to have affairs for 3 years because to him his heart wasn’t in it. But since I’m a girl I obviously felt emotion and therefore it was cheating.

He goes back to the court thing. “Are you telling me there is nothing you can do to help me in court?”

I said I won’t lie in court.

“So you want me out of the country.” He started crying again, and said he was going to get dumped into some other country, go through their kangaroo court and then get stabbed to death in some alley. We talked about this for a minute. He was talking about going back to SA and them killing him because of the unit he was with back in his military days. I told him that wasn’t going to happen, that was a long time ago.

“Do you want me out of your life?” I said no, I just want him to be able to leave me alone. He said “Help me! Come to court and help me!”

The conversation went back around to the court again.

Then he got mad again and said that I took all of his mother's money. He said I stole her entire retirement, and now I’m killing her son, the one and only person who is capable of looking after her.

Pause. I will briefly fill you in here…..in the next post!

It has been surreal listening to these tape recordings of our arguments. Is it hard? Not so much anymore. I have waited 14 years to do this. I have had all that time to turn this over in my head and deal with it. Yes, there are times when I have had to turn the recorder off, close my computer and walk away for the rest of the day. Today I am looking forward to meeting up with a friend of mine to watch a movie together. Drink wine, break some bread with brie cheese and grapes. Living alone is the hardest part of doing this blog. Thankfully I have good friends who I can go to and forget everything else behind me. And my dog, my beautiful dog, who lies on the bed next to me all day while I type away.

Thanks to all of you for your support, more will be coming next Sunday.

Keep love in your heart.