Friday February 14th, 2003
Valentine's day.
I invited Craig to go with the boys and I to see Jungle Book II. I was feeling a little sorry for him and he had been calm for a few days so I thought maybe we could have a nice afternoon with the boys. While we were waiting at the theater Craig and I talked. He is very frustrated with me that I don’t give him enough love, attention and affection. He says I need to commit to him. But I cannot do that. I just don’t have the feelings or the trust it takes to commit to him.
I went out with Dave tonight. The neighbors watched the boys for me because Craig said he had plans when I asked him if he could take them. Then Craig called and said he had cancelled his plans so we could go out. I told him I already had plans (which he knew, that is why he said he couldn’t take the boys. He was hoping it would mean I couldn’t go out) He was upset with me for going out with Dave. When I came home and picked the boys up from the neighbors house, I saw Tamaras car arrive at Craig’s house at 10:30pm.
Saturday Feb 15th, 2003
I had to show houses all day today so Craig offered to spend the day with the boys. They ended up being at my house all day, with him. When I arrived home he had the kids ask me if he could spend the night. I said no. I need my space.
Monday Feb 17th, 2003
Craig took the kids this evening. When I went to pick them up at 8pm he asked me if he could come spend the night at my place. I declined again. I explained I needed to get the boys ready for school and to bed and then I have work and phone calls to make. The truth is, I don’t want him pushing himself on me. I know he wants a physical relationship, but I can’t do it. But if I tell him that he gets hurt and then mad. So I make up excuses, which he knows, so either way I end up upsetting him. I don’t have the strength or energy to give him the amount of emotional security as he needs. He always needs more and it’s so exhausting and draining for me. He is wanting so much from me right now, physically and emotionally, and I have nothing left to give him.
Tuesday Feb 18th, 2003
Digging through my paperwork I discovered that Craig was charged with an Attempted Burglary and Assault on this date. I don’t have anything in my journal about it, so it didn’t involve me at all. The first I knew about it was while I was going through all these papers to write this story. But you will how how many different things were going on without me knowing about them. I found out a lot after they were both arrested.
Back to the journal…..
Craig and I went to see Shondell and told her about the CA trip. She was very surprised. We talked about commitment. I told her I cannot commit to the marriage at this point because we still have some issues that need sorting out. I need space. Craig is very demanding of my time, energy and especially emotions.
We decided we could give up dating others and work on having a good time together for 3 weeks.
Craig took the boys and I to Olive Garden. I thought we had a nice time, but afterwards he said that I didn’t touch him enough. Sigh.
Wed Feb 19th, 2003
Craig came over for dinner. He wanted me to cuddle with him and make out. I didn’t want to. I am not comfortable with being physical with him. One step at a time….I can’t just jump back in with both feet. He got mad at me. I reminded him that yesterday he had agreed not to force me into anything physical. He says I am not committed to the marriage. I agree. But I am committed to trying to build a positive relationship with him again. It just gets difficult when he needs so much of something I can’t, or won’t, give or have. I am so frustrated.
Thurs Feb 20th, 2003
I got home at 7pm tonight. Craig wanted me to go to a movie with him. I was very tired from working all day and just wanted to be home with the kids, rather than leave them alone even more and put themselves to bed. Craig was frustrated with me but stayed until 10:30pm and then left.
Fri Feb 21st, 2003
Craig came over. We watched a movie, and then of course he wanted to spend the night. He asked Rocco to ask me. I said no. It’s not fair that he keeps asking the boys to ask me if he can stay. The air between us is very tense. I had seen Liz’s car parked outside of his house the whole day today. I asked him about it, and he said she wasn’t feeling well and just took a nap on his bed. Honestly? Can you imagine what would happen if I had some guy sleeping on my bed all day? Why is it always OK for him to have whatever he wants, but it’s a different story if I do it? We just made that agreement on Tuesday not to date others.
Sat Feb 22nd, 2003
I worked at the model home all day today. Craig brought the boys over to visit me. They stayed all afternoon. As they were getting ready to leave, Dave arrived. I had not spoken to Dave and had no idea he was going to come by. I could tell Craig was very angry. After Dave left I called Craig to apologize and told him I had no idea he was coming. Craig is frustrated that I won’t commit to just him. He told the boys that Dave is my boyfriend.
Mon Feb 24th, 2003
I invited Craig to have dinner with us at 5pm. He came over and stayed until 6:30pm when I had to leave for an appointment. He wanted the boys to go with him, but they chose to stay home.
Tues Feb 25th, 2003
Craig called and is frustrated with me. He said he thinks all bets should be off, meaning that this 3 week plan we made is not working. I had invited him to dinner last night, which I didn’t have to do, and I even initiated a hug when he was cutting up the chicken. He says he is upset because he can tell I am not giddy in love with him. I told him I am trying to build that up again, through friendship first, and learning to trust again, which is very hard for me. He can’t accept that. I am not giddy in love so he would prefer a war. I don’t want a war, I don’t want us fighting in front of the boys anymore.
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