My last blog was about the day Craig took an innocent mans life. It was a Tuesday night. The next morning Craig showed up at my apartment to pick up the boys. He told me he was going to keep them until school starts. Legally he was allowed to take them for 2 weeks so I couldn’t fight it, but I was so scared that he was going to leave the country with them.
So Wednesday night I called them to say goodnight to them, and Rocco was sounding very down. I asked him what he was doing and he said that Craig and Tamara had gone to a movie and her kids were at the house with Rocco and Rich. (This frustrated me because you would think he would rather be spending time with his kids. But now we know the story and know that Craig and Tamara were making final plans).
Rocco asked me if I would go and pick him up the next day. I told him he would have to ask daddy first. He said he would try talk to him tomorrow. Rocco was sounding very quiet and sad, I hope Craig lets him come home for a day at least.
Craig said no.
On Sat July 12th Craig called me while I was getting ready to go to a 10 o’clock meeting. He asked if I had a couple minutes to talk. Well it turned into a long argument again. I found the tape recordings from that day so will give you a brief summary. He started recording himself before he called me and he was talking to me, into the tape. Maybe he knew one day I would find these tapes….who knows? He said that I had become autocratic and dictatorial about a year ago when I started taking extravagant and dangerous steps towards my freedom by involving the police force, all because he “bugged” me when I wanted to be set free. He said he had been disciplined with police action. Then he goes on to say that I have never been disciplined in my life and that my parents had never told me I was wrong in anything. He went on to calling my parents too stupid to parent me properly and I nurture hatred to absolve myself from any wrongdoing. The tape stops and then starts recording again. He goes on to say that I have condemned him and criticized him for his illegal behaviour.
Is this all his justification for what he had in store for me? How does a man continue his normal daily activities, with his children, after he has just taken a life? I have been lucky enough to never hit an animal with my car, even though I have had many jackrabbits running across the street in front of me, I have never hit one. If I did, I would be mortified. I would feel so bad for killing a little jackrabbit! Craig and Tamara planned for over 4 months to take 2 lives. Mikes and my own. They took out life insurance on both of us, and I was lucky enough that Tamara actually chickened out the two times she was supposed to shoot me. That all came out in their guilty pleas after their arrest and I will go into more detail about that later.
Back to Saturday July 12th. After Craig was done recording that message to me, he called me. He asks if I have spoken to my attorney about getting the interrogatories dropped because he was going to be in contempt of court as of Monday. He reminded me that I am the one pushing for the divorce. I agreed. He stated that a few times, obviously he had a reason for it to be on tape that this whole divorce thing was my idea and that he wanted the family to be together again. He said divorce is very destructive for children. I agreed with him, but told him he should have thought about that all the times he was bringing women home and having affairs. I reminded him how many times I had begged him and told him how much it was hurting me, and he continued his relationships. I told him I am done, I am too hurt and I don’t love him the way he wants me to love him so I don’t see it working out. Then he calms down and admits it was all his bad choices that destroyed our marriage, but that I refuse to admit any guilt. I told him I was committed to him for ten years, never straying or turning him down. I said for ten years I gave him everything I could. And because he insisted on living his wildest dreams, no matter the pain it was causing me, I shut down. I built a solid wall around my heart and he was not going to be able to just break it down by threatening me and trying to make me feel guilty now that I have decided to leave the marriage. I told him it’s way too late.
Then he says he loves me more than anything in the world. He said he doesn’t want to be with anyone else and all he wants is his family back. I told him if he really meant that, then he should start by proving it to to me. Stop having Tamara be with him all the time, even when the kids are there. I told him the kids tell me that Craig takes “his friend and her kids” boating with them all the time. They go to movies together. She is ALWAYS there. I told him there is no way in a hundred years I will even consider for a second going back to him while he has that relationship going.
His response was I date, so he can too. I told him I NEVER take the boys with me, and I have not introduced them to a single man that I have dated. When I am with the boys (which is 90% of the time) I am only with them. He gets the kids 10% of the time and still has to have his girlfriend be there with them. Craig told me if I would commit to him he would drop Tamara and Liz and everyone else immediately. I told him I can’t just commit to him overnight because he expects to be petted, loved and emotionally satisfied all the time and it’s going to take me time to get that back. I can’t just flip a switch and be that way for him. I suggested that if he really wanted us back that he should get rid of the women in his life, stop picking on me for every little thing I do and start being nice to me. Entice me to be with him. Make me WANT to be with him.
Later on in the day we got into another HUGE fight, and then he asked me if I wanted to see the kids. Of course I did. So we made plans to got to the Planetarium. He warned me not to encourage the kids to go home with me afterwards though. I had to make sure they knew I wanted them to be at his house.
Then he asked if I would like to go boating with them the next day (Sunday). He said to bring Doug and Wil and we can have a good family day again. I told him Wil and Doug could not make it, and that I would think about it. That started another fight. He said why can’t I commit to going with them? I told him because if he gets mad at me on the boat, for not touching him enough or being friendly enough, that I would have nowhere to go and I am uncomfortable with that situation. Boy, did he blow his top!! So then I told him I changed my mind about the Planetarium….he can’t control his temper for 5 minutes to keep the peace and I do not want to be around him. Another fight.
He called me a little later and I told him it would be less painful for me to bang my head against the wall repeatedly than deal with his unpredictable moods. He was calmer and apologized and I agreed to go to the Planetarium. I was so tired of all of this.
We had a pretty good time once we were there and it was a lot of fun to be there with the boys. Of course they begged me to come home with me, and I had to tell them no, which was so, so hard. Those little boys were so miserable over there because they could feel tension and uneasiness in the house...it breaks my heart.
I had to leave by 5:30pm so that I could get Wil to work.
That’s it for today. Please stay safe, keep love in your heart and always listen to your gut!!
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