#13 Domestic Violence

#13 Domestic Violence

I want to talk a little about Domestic Violence tonight, after reading through my journal entries and paperwork from 2002. I was always afraid of Craigs reaction to another protective order being filed against him. Turns out I am not the only woman who feels, or felt, that way. I read that “Victims are hesitant about reporting their abuse, for fear of retribution”. This is a real fear. The type of person who perpetrates against another in this sort of violence, does not fare well with police and court interference. It turned Craig into a BEAR. I would almost rather risk not having the order in place because it would keep him calmer. I definitely felt more unsafe when he felt threatened by a protective order.

The most dangerous time for a woman is the 2 years following a divorce. Why? Because now the “ex husband” feels he has lost everything and has nothing more to lose, the final step is to kill her. Unfortunately I heard this exact threat from Craig too many times. He told me over and over again that he had nothing to lose, that I had taken everything from him and now I had to sleep in the bed I had made. Some of these memories have been made very vivid again because I have 5 + hours of audio recordings that Craig had recorded in 2002/2003. For some reason he had tape recorders everywhere, attached to all his phones, in his pocket that he would pull out and push into my face in the middle of an argument, and then he had cameras set up in the house, that I was unaware of, until after he was arrested. While I was cleaning out the house I came across a drawer full of audio tapes with names and dates written on them. The phone conversations were not all with me. I found a tape recording of him and Tamara (the woman whose ex husband was killed) where they were talking about getting rich after the “loan” and living like kings on an island. That is also when I discovered he had set up a camera recording over our driveway and in our bedroom under the headboard of the bed. These cameras were hooked up to 90 hour recording devices. He was convinced I was cheating on him, and he was going to prove it. Except, I wasn’t cheating. So all this was for nill. Or was it? Now instead of recordings of me cheating on him, we have proof of the obsessive life he was leading.

Domestic Violence comes in many forms. Long term stalking, denial of financial resources and manipulation of the family court system, when the children are regularly forced to spend unsupervised time with the man who beat their mother. Craig would not keep to a visitation schedule. His theory was if I knew it was his weekend to have the kids, then I would make plans to go out and date and be wild. So he would randomly choose not to show up. The kids would be expecting him and ask me all night long if he was coming to get them. He wouldn’t answer his phone until after 10pm. Then when it was my weekend to have the kids, he would show up on Friday night and want to take them. This way I would never be able to make plans. He says this on tape. It’s all about control. He admitted to it on tape, which I now have on my table in front of me.

Did you know that 1 in 3 women experience some form of domestic violence in their lives, and 1 in 7 men? In fact, I have heard those stats are outdated, and now 1 in 4 men experience domestic violence, as the victim. Next time you are standing in the grocery store, or at the gym, look around you and consider how many people around you could be suffering through some form of domestic violence in their lives.

So tonight I just wanted to give this space to the recognition of domestic violence. It can only thrive in silence, so we need to put a spotlight on it and not allow it to breed in our families, friends and neighborhoods. This needs to be something that women, and men, feel safe to bring awareness to, and not hide it like most of us do.

My goal is to bring ALL of this out. I want every woman on the planet to recognize what is not a normal, healthy relationship, and when to seek help. My next update includes how Craig tried to control the 2 women at the Office for Victims Advocates to drop the protective order, and then when he thought they had (which they pretended to do to calm him down) he told them to reinstate it. All in 24 hours. He honestly became obsessed with controlling everyone and everything around him.

So THANK YOU for all the support. This has become a lot bigger than I ever imagined, which makes me realize how many people identify with what I am saying. This is not a story, this is real life.

I don’t like to refer to myself as a victim, but rather a survivor.

Thanks again for all the love and incredible support,

Eve